Hello lovelies! 😀 Holy shit what a wild couple of days it’s been. Finally a day of relative calm (And a biologically safe, level 5 sterile house). If you are in recovery, or your sanity/sobriety is returning perhaps our story can help you with yours. Family and close friends may not want to see you recover. It’s fear, not hatred.
Recovery isn’t hard on just you. It may appear that way but once you start down the road to recovery as we did/are, you see things from new angles. Angles that we didn’t expect, either. We began to see our patterns in our behavior which only intensified spotting other’s patterns. That’s when it hit home for us. They want us to stay ill.
If you are ill in some way, other’s can and do feel superior to you. That’s just the way it goes and that’s what we have found causes the most friction. When you begin to recover you open wounds that other suffer with as well. History comes back into your world of recovery and for us, that history involves family trauma, torture and lies.
When the cog of our recovery finally began moving, everyone’s else’s cog has to by default, begin to change position. My family and friends were used to our behavior because we all were stuck, in time, our cogs, intertwined, just stopped.
Family and friends can get stuck in their own behavior with you, because it’s comfortable and they feel superior to your BEHAVIOR, not you. Whether that be enabling, mocking, shaming, blaming, whatever. When you begin the steps of recovery, their comfort level by default has to change, as you are. Scary proposition to those that unwittingly, for their own comfort, want you to stay ill, stay drunk, or whatever your problems may be.
Friends and family unknowingly to them, have a huge stake in your recovery.
When you begin to recover, those too, associated with you must in their own way, recover with you. It’s not true that you recover on your own – they have to as well. Recovery for us, had to start FOR us, not for someone else. Spouses may wake up one day and say “Oh my God, they are changing, will they still want me”. Brothers or sisters may wake up to ask the question “What was my part in all of this”. Friends may say “They are never going to change”. Painful, deeply personal questions that most avoid and would rather burden and shame you with.
We think the minute you begin to start taking accountability for your behavior and can explain it’s origins, you have shifted the weight of those responsibilities onto those around you.
No longer can there exist a rift in feelings, or patterns of behavior if your’s have changed. If you, in recovery have said “Hey, this is why I did x and z”, to those you are speaking to, they must own up to their own behavior (Which also may not be complimentary). Also scary for someone who they themselves, have their own battles going on they never speak of (As they can no longer superior to you).
Change is hard because it represents the unknown. Feeling bad, can feel just as good as feeling good, as long as it remains constant, a fixed beacon. Recovery means change, which is terrifying. Just remember, It’s not terrifying to just you.
We have met others in recovery with similar stories. They “get better and those around them actually get worse”, kind of thing. It’s not that they are getting worse, you are recovering and you are starting to see others inanities, insecurities, hypocrisy’s, character flaws, whatever.
The moment family members, friends, associates see right action and your behavior change, watch them. Listen to them. Focus on them. You will see the moment the light clicks on that you’re proving through action and they know they are beginning to deal with someone different. This means, they must too, become “different”. Something unknown, something new.
Be exceptionally proud of that moment and let those moments be yours and their’s if you have reunited through tragedy.
You have earned them.
M and K