Grinding to a halt – Waking after the split.

Hello lovelies! 😀 Drama, drama, drama. Its actually worse for us in recovery than it was in illness. Perhaps that statement is a good measuring stick. Everything we didn’t deal with just festered – and festered some more.

Kayleigh

While everyone is looking left (as per usual) we are looking right. If you have kept up with us so far, Katy has been fighting for dominant control (Mark is starting to peek out). She dominates in the shower (To avoid the fact that she is in a shower) physically. I have caught her multiple times wiping wet, non existent hair from her face and over her head. This is a direct echo from Ghost Ship.


kayleighhair


I have to assume this is about Katy understanding that moment of trauma, who did it and what now. Katy, while in the shower is telling us, “Ok, what now – We have to do to something”. My hair is no where near as long as this woman’s – so it’s an interesting and comforting echo for us to study/partake in.

MOTshutterIsland

Everyone’s looking left (As per usual) while we are looking right. That’s alright, though, we can see through the lies, the manipulations.  I heard once “The Abuser always blames their victims”. That is resonating with us more and more. I have told a few people close to us, that, “Nothing is as it seems”. Boy, does that hold true.

People in our lives forget that we have been studying actors and acting for DECADES, our entire lives. It’s extremely hard to lie to us. We know shitty acts when we see them.

Reality came crashing back in two days ago. Holy moly.  When alters have finally quieted down reality kind of comes into focus either very very quickly, or slowly over a few hours/a day. It’s like, HOLY HELL, this is where I’m at, this is who I am, ect and so forth. It’s ALWAYS scary and heartbreaking and saddening. It’s tough but that’s the deal.

The best was I can describe it is like this:

Imagine you have forgotten who you are for a moment and your vision is out of focus. You aren’t you anymore. Slowly, your memories, your identity, your history, everything comes slowly back into focus. It’s kind of like that. When an alter has chosen a persona fragmentation and has become dominant, Mike fades out of focus and ends up in the background.

In this time, however someone else is talking for not only Mike but Katy as well. We may attach ourselves to whoever is dominant – This is reflected in our forms of artistic or technical expression (Artistic/Technical Co-Engagement).

Fading in and out of reality can really suck and the effect always feels weird.  For us, when someone else is dominant, they are making life decisions, relationship decisions, financial decisions, anything, that perhaps Mike and Katy would never partake in or endorse.

When reality comes crashing back into focus, we truly do have those moments of “YOU FUCKING IDIOT, YOU DID WHAT!!?!?!” These decisions, while our’s may not be mine, or Katy’s or Mark’s. It’s all about who is dominant and what their agenda is, whatever it may be. Each alter that selects his or her persona fragmentation is doing so in response to something and that, I’m self studying.

For example. Let’s say Mark/Mike wants to express something perhaps great sadness and selects “Bob”, from “The Edge 1997”. Now Mark is a fully realized, living, breathing person. Someone who has to go into the mountains to fight a bear and mother nature, just as Bob did, in the movie.

That of course doesn’t answer WHY Mark or Mike selected Bob in the first place. In the end, Bob is a deeply flawed character, filled with shame and personal turmoil. This is the reason that Bob is selected in the first place. Bob is no longer a character in the movie, he is real and everything he does, we by default, have to do. Bob was a photographer. Time to start studying, obsessively, the art of photography, including buying cameras, ect.

Now, we have to start taking photos. He climbed mountains, we climb mountains. He’s a dirtbag with women, guess what?Bob is also a drunk. So on and so forth.

It’s when you come back from this split, perhaps a broken leg from a fall from a ledge climbing a mountain. Or perhaps, a jealous husband comes looking for me. Perhaps reality comes back in and I’m in jail for DUI. By the time we come back from the split, it’s too late, the damage is done, x3.

Coming back from existing as Bob (Or any fragmentation) who dies with shame, is ROUGH.  There does come a moment you realize you have been playing a part in a movie that we have studied hundreds of thousands (If not millions) of times – at at the same time, encoding our life story into, unknowingly, until my self recovery started..

One thing that I find that helps me/us, perhaps you have a similiar system is to ask grounding questions. I’m still working with this and it seems to be having a positive effect. Perhaps you can try this for yourself. When I realize we are spun up I ask the following questions:

  1. Do you know your name?
  2. Do you know your age?
  3. What state do you live in?
  4. What’s today’s date?
  5. Do you know who’s dominant?

If I cannot answer these basic questions quickly, I know something’s up. This seems to be the best course of action to either break or make others aware of a split.

Sidenote: EMTs will ask patients the above questions. Something called “Alert and Oriented” system.

Add two more people (Mike and Katy) on top of that and just try to imagine that. It’s really, really, tricky to live with. We received an email (Thank you!) asking the question “Is it embarrassing when splits happen”?

It’s EXTREMELY embarrassing when you are speaking as other people, yes (if you’re really aware that it’s you, speaking). Comes back to a shame issue. It can be very difficult to speak as other people because it’s so socially unacceptable and odd to do so, which is I rarely do it with others. However, during a split, if I’m not aware of it, it’s not embarrassing at all – quite the opposite and that’s the problem.

M and K

 

 

 

 

 

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