Hello lovelies. When sadness and shame turns into understandable fury. Look out! We are glad you stopped by – Thank you for spending your time on our blog when your attention could be elsewhere. What to write about today? We wanted to write more about recovery letters, maybe later tonight.
How about kidnapping. The moment we thought we were going to die, again.
Kidnappings are odd. Mine wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. I/we always assumed that kidnappings were extremely violent affairs (Which they can be) but ours was more subtle – but at times, not so subtle. The moment the person that harmed us brought us back to his house, behind closed doors, out came the porn and the violence hidden as play fighting/wrestling. The full weight of this person on top of us, frightened us.
I was held down by this person on a bed while porn was playing. Being Autistic there really wasn’t a way to communicate fear and I wasn’t wasn’t strong enough to fight this person off, so, you know. I let some things happen, to appease my attacker. No shame.
When someone in my family got wise to the fact that I was 800 miles away and being sexually assaulted this person immediately understood they were caught.
That’s the moment we thought “Oh shit”. This person’s entire persona changed. This person made it VERY clear that he knew I was speaking to my family in code. That’s the moment I thought we were going to end up dead in a closet, or, wherever. We were so scared. The look in this person’s eyes was terrifying. We knew at this point, this person had done this before.
We didn’t know if we wanted to run, fight or grab a weapon. That moment, it sucks the air out of your lungs. Your heart is racing. What to do? Is your death going to hurt? Is this person going to rape us and then kill us? Everything that can go through your mind, does. This person had already done enough to me but everything for us changed in that moment.
You also disconnect. You have to. That’s what we did. We felt the switch from being frightened, to then, nothing. No fear. No anger, no sadness, nothing. You’re just sitting in a room with someone who knows you told someone that you are in danger.
This person got extremely agitated. Speaking very, very quickly (We study voices – Autism) and jumpy. It seems as though he wanted to destroy/get rid of me as fast as he could. He was pacing around the apartment we were in, we could see the conflict going on his mind. “What to do with this kid I just abused”?
Eventually, I was driven back home. I was so shocked and disgusted and frankly, stunned, I couldn’t say a word about what happened. The fact that I’m Autistic only means I had no way to communicate, whatsoever, what had happened. Too much trauma had already happened to us, this was just more icing on the cake.
This person got away with what they did. If you can believe it, I/we don’t wish any ill will on this person. Being angry consumed our entire lives. Some have asked “Why not go after him”? For what? I can’t get back what he took from us. We don’t want to be part of someone else’s destruction. We can’t be. Too much bad juju – enough terrible shit has happened, already.
That’s what it’s like. It’s terrifying, disheartening and terrible and you are changed for life.
M and K