Katy can’t jump because I won’t jump – The Crucible.

Hello lovelies. Instead of going all Django Unchained perhaps I should go unchained writing, how’s that? lol. The dust is still settling and we thought perhaps talking about how suicide and DiD (Magnified by Autism) work and would be interesting, a needed distraction. It is interesting. Perhaps one version of you wants to die but the other’s don’t.

That’s when you end up in a closet with a belt around your neck but you have no idea why….

Earlier, we were talking about Forrest Gump. A perfect illustration of what Katy experiences from time to time, suicide. No matter how sad or depressed Katy may be she can’t kill herself. Not without the rest of us, Mike and Mark. This scene is a good description of what it’s like. She wants to die, Mike wants to pass out.

  Being ex addicts ourselves we know what burnout is. This is a great scene to demonstrate the effects of it. If Mike is burnt out, so is Katy (Probably more so) and Mark as well. It’s exhausting to live as three people and experience life, emotions, as all three of them – there are plenty of times when more than one of us want out of this place and they may get their way, still.

The problem occurs when not all of us want out off the Earth. Now there is a fight on your hands. Someone wants to die and is doing their best to get you killed one way or another (Passively or Aggressively).

It’s extremely confusing, to say the least. Imagine wanting to die but really not knowing why. It’s not you anymore, it’s someone else who wants to be gone and you are now feeling their overwhelming emotions and your’s as well plus another version of you. 3. Mike. Mark. Katy. Better yet, imagine wanting to die but not knowing if it’s YOU or someone else. This can be very disheartening.

Over the last few days, as Mark and Katy have had their own reasons for wanting to exit. Considering how reality has crashed back in for all of us – one would expect it.

Looking and reaching back, I’m beginning to understand how Mark and Katy (and me) have gone out of their way to get all of us killed. It’s in the subtle and no subtle reckless and dangerous situations I/we were unfortunately getting myself wrapped into. Suicide has been a theme with us since childhood both as attempts and losing others to it.

Mark, Katy and Mike battling eachother, as expressed in “Fury”. Note 3 people again. The sniper, is Katy, we believe.

When I was a young child, I peed on a light socket, for apparently no reason. Naw, someone in my head, knew even then, we wanted out. Makes perfect sense now, no sense at the time. Time after time as we look back, we can see the suicide attempts for what they were, not what we believed them to be. As it is said, “Once you understand something you are liberated from it”.

Imagine it. You have a shotgun muzzle in your mouth, it’s the middle of the night. You know your sad, you know your upset, you KNOW you want to die but you don’t know WHY.  The next few seconds of your finger tightening on the trigger is the moment you don’t realizing your having. You just want to stop crying – you just don’t know how to stop yourself.

This is the crucible, the moment you and the alters start talking to each other, silently. It’s a battle for life and death and no one can hear a word. The struggle between those that want to die and those that don’t – those still clinging to hope. Who is going pull the trigger or put the weapon down? Of course, you don”t know any of this is happening but it’s happening.

For me, Mike it was  heartbeat in my veins beating against the belt, that’s what I was focusing on in that dark closet. Each second I was hanging, my heart was just beating faster and faster.  Wondering to myself, why I/we always hated our heartbeat, itself. Never made sense before but perfect sense, now.

It wasn’t the pain of the belt so much as, why we were there in the first place. We just wanted the unseen pain to end – we didn’t know in which way to reach to touch it. The pain, we didn’t even know existed in the form of Katy and Mark. The unsaid torture – the hidden house of horrors.

The saddest part of every suicide attempt we have had is saying goodbyes. That’s the worst part. For anyone that has lived through an actual suicide attempt, you know what we’re talking about. A warm tear for each person you are going to miss.

That’s the most awful part – knowing you wanted more time with them. It’s very awful, indeed. The reality is you know you are more of a burden to others even, at that moment. Your most terrifying one.

So there you have it. The suicide battle between alters and the person who is dominant at the moment.

M and K