To our brother in law. We miss you and are proud of you.

Hello lovelies. One person in our life that we really did love was our ex brother in law. He was really special to us. We weren’t allowed to speak to him, nor we told of his death nor were we invited to share in his passing. We weren’t invited to his funeral, either. Oh well. Our eulogy to our Ex brother in law will be said, whether they like it or not.

We met our ex brother in law when we extremely sick. Our sister started to date him and we love him the moment we met him. He was a good man – for as temperous as he could be, we saw a good soul. We wanted the time to explain our side of what happened, to be able to explain so he could understand. We were upset for a very long time that we didn’t get that opportunity.

We have always missed him. It was another relationship I/we fucked up because of our own trauma and one of our greatest tragedies is that we weren’t given the opportunity, even as he sat wasting away, to have him understood why he hated us. We didn’t want him to die without understanding everything.

But he died and we were powerless to save him and tell him our goodbyes. We wanted the opportunity to shake his hand with tears in our eyes. We are humans too and his loss was felt x 3. To have him dying being upset with us tears us apart – we tried to impress him we just ended up doing it backwards, as always.

We looked up to him, as for us, post kidnapping, he was larger than life. Someone to look up to. I/we did a lot shameful lying. Not lying to be deceptive. We did a lot of lying because we were ashamed we were so sick and no idea what was going wrong. Only, we did’t understand it that way. Autism, everything is fucking backwards.

It was he, and ONLY he, that we wanted to attack our kidnapper. We wanted him go and find our kidnapper and kill him. We were so ashamed of what happened, we couldn’t tell our brother in law what happened.

He had served in the military which automatically made him a hero to us. We wanted to quietly impress him but we ended up loudly offending him and everyone else we ever met. We wanted to reach out to him and we did. Silently screaming out to him, “please, listen to us, PLEASE HELP US!”. We fucked everything up. 😦 We just wish we had 15 minutes to explain.

I knew there was more to my brother in law – more behind his larger than life attitude. The bravado that exposed a soft underbelly was apparent to me, we just had no idea how to connect the dots and explain that to him. He was hard on people and he worked well with conflict. When he said hurtful things to us, it really cut deeply.

We remember when we found our birthmother. Excited, at the time to speak with him about the even he told me “Good, maybe you will find out why you are so fucked up”. Tough love, it was. Not only was he completely wrong but he already knew, we believe, deep down he knew something wasn’t right and the problem was staring him in the face.

He’s gone and I know this is coming late. I/we did everything wrong but we had no way to stop being so sick. We just wish we had more time.

He has children that believe me to be the devil himself, (By design) and I sent him a letter when I learned that he was dying. We don’t even know if that letter was sent to him. We guess, probably not.

We are sorry you didn’t see us when we started to recovery. Yet another tragedy of a string of personal tragedies that have been heaping up around us lately. Having to say goodbye. A constant theme since the day we were born.

Rest in peace, brother. We never left you.

You are missed. Terribly.

M and K