Hello lovelies. We hope your having a lovely Friday! 😀 What a nutty morning. Lots of crazy stuff has gone down over the last 48 hours. There are literally too many topics we could write about, in recovery.
We thought of the first time we were addressed as a persona that had become dominant and how it made us feel, which is a mixed bag – considering, that at one time, when Mark or Katy spoke for me or themselves, tragedy ensued.
TOO MUCH to write about! 😀
When I/we realized that Mark and Katy existed, our entire lives changed, forever. Everything, in an instant made perfect sense. I began speaking as other people when our trauma first began, starting around the age of 2 – 3. I would refer to an “imaginary friend” named “Earnest”, which was my actual given name at birth.
I only spoke to 2 people, face to face, knowingly as Mark, Katy and Mike. There were times I was so sick, that when I did speak as other people they left us. We can understand why. People instantly transforming into another person can be quite scary. We totally understand – it’s still rather weird but comforting to us, as well.
This is where things get sticky.
If you are in self recovery and this has yet to happen to you, we would like to share how it felt for us, the first time, someone knowingly addresses you as an alter of yours.
It’s unsettling for a few reasons.
As many of you know, echoing in the presence of someone else is, for us, is a deeply intimate affair – Which why we protect this part of ourselves and this act so fiercly. It’s our last line of defense – the last, worn and faded rock walls.
Being addressed as say, Mark can feel a few ways. The first instinct for us is instant shame. Shame not because Mark exists, rather, shame because we are different in this sense and have to communicate with others, in a different way. The first few times someone referred to me as Mark, it threw us completely off. Happy, sad, shocked, amazed, humbled, you name it, we felt it
Mark, watching over Mike, Katy and loved ones in the “In between”.
On the other hand, however, it also feels wonderfully beautiful. Beyond that – it felt like warm wind you feel during a sunset in July. This, in the sense that FINALLY someone is brave enough to speak to another version of you, which, is unsettling enough – For all involved. It also feels wonderful in the sense that you are finally, finally, FINALLY starting to speak in your native tongue as you should have been, for decades.
It made us cry the first time someone referred to Mark. Its always weird. When someone addresses me as Mark, of course, look out. Once an alter is talking or has become dominant, you’re talking to a fully realized, fully compartmentalized separate person stuck in Mike’s body.
When it’s someone you are comfortable with, it can feel amazing. A great, magnetic, positive attraction. What makes it even more interesting for us is that people that we may not be comfortable with – When they address us as Mark or Katy, it’s not pleasant. Instant shut down – Instant need to redirect and get quiet. We aren’t sure why this is happening, completely but we are working on it.
As odd as it sounds, Mike is still kind of keenly aware that Mark is now talking. Consider it feeling a lot like a full body and mind derealization event. You’re aware your talking as someone else but your also aware it’s you doing the talking – You feel completely disconnected from your own body. It can be very odd and very scary for everyone involved, especially for the uninitiated.
It will be weird for you too, if you haven’t gone down this route, yet. No shame, though. Most, if not all that live with DiD (Which is rare, itself) are victims of severe, severe trauma.
You didn’t knowingly create your alters, your abusers forced them to exist because of trauma. If someone is close enough to you and aware enough of you to know who they are talking to, the battle is already won. The love you enough to try and understand all of you. For as odd as you WILL feel, it’s a good thing.
Roll with the odd feelings. Be honest with those your speaking with about how you are feeling, even if it’s not you talking anymore.
Being addressed as Mark or Katy OR Mike. Way creepy with a dash of way cool.
M and K