Hello lovelies! 😀 We hope that your day is going really well and you are happy. Wow. What a crazy, crazy, crazy couple of days. We know this is just the start. While showering last night we wondered…what to write about next. Our kidnapping. – What it means to have to allow someone to do something to you, for a very specific reason. We have also updated this post with some echos, as well. If you need help, refer to the “Blog Echos” in the nav bar.
First time we are sharing this story with the world. This is going to be a tough read. (Note we didn’t say triggering), so please be aware tough stuff ahead. This isn’t particularly safe for work or young eyes (But what isn’t nowadays?).
It was so seedy and disgusting. After a few initial sex assaults happened our attacker ended up getting some shitty, awful motel room right next to the highway. I remember hearing the traffic, feeling like an animal almost. It was dark in the room, except for that soft light of the city lights outside of the window.
It felt like this:
Every time this person touched us, I (Mike) had to take their hand off of us. It was just awful. We were absolutely terrified. What to do? Our attacker early on made it very clear that they were much stronger and bigger than us when they assaulted us, the first time. We couldn’t fight back. We couldn’t scream out. All we could do was cry and hold our breaths – We could feel the person jerking off right behind us. More traffic. Soft orange light lighting up the wall we were staring at. Stains on the wall.
We remember waking up to him holding onto, well you know. This time though, this person was much closer to us, almost spooning with us. It was really, slimey. We didn’t know to do, we were terrified. More traffic. A passing car in the distance – the clock on the wall ticking. We had to make the choice what to do. So, we let this person continue doing what they were doing, simply because we didn’t know if we would end up in a ditch, if we didn’t.
We cried in the dark, facing the wall – some sweaty person hanging onto us. More passing traffic. We were animals again. Animals again, useful for only one thing. We didn’t shake, we couldn’t whimper. We were in a cage again. Eventually, we had enough and we pulled him off of us again. We couldn’t let him see us crying – We couldn’t.
Study Amy Lee’s facial expressions!
There’s no way to describe past what we have when you must accept what’s happening because it will only get worse. We learned that early on. You have to learn to handle abuse and torture by understanding the leash can only get tighter and tighter.
We feel like this now
Study her face/facial expressions, over and over again -Imagine yourself as Amy Lee/Katy this echo, frightened and soaking wet. This is the feeling we are trying to impart onto you, bring you into our emotional reality, itself. What kind of personal situation can you imagine in which you would end up in Amy Lee’s/Katy’s emotional position above?
When you are woken up in your adoptive home by being sprayed with water, like an animal, you learn to think like one and react like one. With of course, predictable results. At least water in the face hides tears. That we do know. You simply excuse away abuse in order to survive it and not kill your abusers. “Well, we must be pretty horrible…” and we were told and reminded many times we were the devil, in the flesh.
To accept dehumanization as the lesser of two evils, your life changes, forever. We can’t even say we were human anymore. We were ghosts. You don’t come back, for a long time, if ever. Walking shocked AND wounded. When and if you do wake up, you realize why your mind was lost. Everything makes perfect, horrible, ugly, majestic sense. It’s beyond terrible – Beyond describable.
We ask you, how would you feel if placed in the same situation. We ask you, would you accept being raped, molested or tortured if it meant saving your life? How does one weigh the shame of being an animal verses preservation of self? Where would the line lie, with you?
Ugly shit, our lovelies, welcome to the light.
M and K
Katy being soothed by her multiple persona fragments.