Hello lovelies! 😀 Holy shit! 4 years sober! We remember trying to dry out the first we moved. It wasn’t good. We just weren’t ready to quit drinkin’ yet. I was polishing off entire bottles of 100 proof firewater, a NIGHT. Someone we worked with us said it that we were drinking “Something” away. Couldn’t hear a word of it.
Elizabeth is still rather furious and making herself to known to everyone in her own way. Katy we think is dominant and we are planning to seat our next few days in her vantage point. We are looking at a copy of “American Frontiersman” and painting our nails. That’s right, painting our nails, wanna fight about it?
So we painted our nails last night, too. Pink, Red and blue. There are a few reasons we are trying this. Katy/Elizabeth, of course are freaking out – Durden not so much and that’s the point. This is a game. Mark who selected “Tyler Durden” and other Alpha male style persona fragments dominated our lives for a long time. Male, hero, chest puffing bullshit. Which it is by the way: Bullshit.
Of course, Mark is what we think is a protector alter. His exaggerated sense of male materializes in many different ways. Survivalism, racing, hunting, shooting, mountain climbing – all things, that traditionally defined men as “being men” while we partook in these activities. Most that know us say that our most effective forum is the field – the place we seem the most “Alpha” but something always felt wrong. Like there was another person right next to me.
That being said, knowing that we can do some of the really cool alpha male things we can, it’s time to let Katy dominate for a bit. Show Mark and potentially even Mike that we can be just as beautiful and still be a rough, tough survivalist – when we have to be. Balance. Yin. Yang.
Did we mention, our nails actually don’t look bad pink! LOL – That’s very weird but not all that shocking! Very creeeepy but fun and silly at the same time.
Another thought we had. We only painted our right handed nails. We wanted a reminder to constantly do a check in with ourselves. All we have to do is look down at a blue finger. “Who’s dominant right now? Where are we?” We chose our colors of course. Pink, Red, Green and Blue as a representation of all of us. We are ambidextrous but are more right handed. This is also our drawing hand. Co-Engagement in all things, now.
It actually felt nice for us to paint our nails. It was a very interesting feeling. This gives credence to the idea that I was probably acting more female as a child than I thought. That too was tortured out of us. It’s lovely now, though to be able to look at my colored hand. Katy thanked me last night – which felt oddly comfortable. Letting them speak, even if in the dark and alone -feels right. They have been silenced for decades. They have a lot to say. Wow.
Things, as they become more clear become more scary. The more alone we all feel.
We didn’t really celebrate our Anniversary. We were too tired. Katy has been screaming at the top of her lungs for weeks. We are exhausted.
Honestly, it feels weird when people say, “Wow, 4 years! That’s amazingly, good job!”. It feels, “meh”.
That’s like us telling you, “Hey great job for paying your bills this month!”, you know? Congratulate us for doing something extraordinary. We shouldn’t be drinkin’ cause we have a problem drinkin’, you know? It’s not that we don’t accept people’s well wishes it’s quite the opposite – it’s just an odd conundrum to be stuck in.
We had a friend surpass 90 days sober. That’s a really great thing. It takes a LOT of nerve to put down the drink. It’ becomes your crutch for everything by default. Sun setting? Let’s get drunk! Just got fired, again for being drunk on the job?
Let’s get drunk! Did someone sneeze? Pass me the bottle! 90 days sober is just long enough to be afraid of the next 90 days, sober. 90 days is long enough to take a good look at all the damage a lifetime of drinking has caused.
At the 90 day mark, holy hell, does life start to change, fast. The on thing we can tell others, who are reading this, considering sobriety: When stop drinking, you will crave sugar. Alcohol is fermented sugar – your body will crave sugar for months and months. Keep candy all over the house, the car, everywhere. Easy on the coffee though. It contains caffeine, which is a drug. This can stress you and cause problems out while you’re already going through alcohol withdrawal
Sobriety, is a tough, tough deal. The world is awash in booze, freely available anywhere. The one thing that really helped us: Putting a bottle of Firewater in the fridge. Learn to live with it’s presence. If we were going to pick up and start drinking – the blame was going to rest with no one else but us. Keeping that bottle in the fridge was the best thing we could have done.
Eventually, what happens is, you realize you can go 25 minutes with having booze in the house without tearing into it. An hour later, you realize, “Hey, it’s been an hour, we are still sober!”. Knowing, however that you are testing yourself is sometimes, all that it takes. Leave the bottle in the fridge – learn to live within it’s reach, not without it.
EVERYONE, without exception relapses in sobriety. It happens. In the halls of AA, relapsing is equatable to felonious sin. Screw that. Everyone falls off the wagon. We say, prepare for the relapse but understand it. Understand that falling off the wagon is ok, you’re human – don’t wallow in it. Don’t allow a relapse to be the excuse for more relapsing, though.
Ack, we are on our 4th cup of coffee already!!! The weather has been absolutely awful over the last few weeks and others are reporting the same all over the country. Disgusting. We are going to try and write some poetry, add some new pages and so on.