Major Recovery Milestone: The Why.

Hello lovely readers! All of us thank you for spending your free time with us when it could be spent elsewhere. It helps us more than you might think. So, after years and years in recovery and decades and decades in insanity, we know WHY all us, collectively decided that movie character’s were the people we were going to become.

It’s awful but it’s liberating. We wanted to save this for Sunday as we wanted to share this privately with those close to us before we started writing about it. This is one of the big enchilada’s and we wanted to make sure we were ready to share it with you.

We have spent our entire lives in illness. No one could help us, the trauma was hidden and we were left to emotionally rot. Every time someone else walked out (or ran) of our lives, the “Why” never occurred to all of us. It couldn’t. We were far too sick. We cry because every single person that we ever loved walked away hating us. For the wrong reasons. Other people forced Did/PTSD/RAD into our lives, we never grew up and the system completely and utterly failed us.

Looking back on this living nightmare, our adoption, the torture, the drowning, the kidnapping – We never cried. We stopped crying when we were toddlers, it didn’t do any good. We are beginning to understand that we survived what we did because others in this mind took severe trauma that lasted decades.

The question, “Why” never occurred to us: Why, movie characters? As it is often said, “once you understand something, you are liberated from it”. When Mike becomes dominant and his reality chugs back in, it’s terrifying and then, a split and you’re someone else again. Katy, perhaps. Everything in my mind (Mike) disappears and it’s Katy whose in possession (Dominance). We split so often, even the “Why” appears in spurts, seconds, moments.

As this recovery is the most important thing to us, we had to start asking why. We know why.

Mark, Katy, Elizabeth, Mike, all of us, had to be  character(s) that couldn’t be raped, or kidnapped, or drowned or molested or tortured.  The characters on screen represented safety when safety was anything but. I (Mike) believed I and they started choosing characters that personified the best parts of who we are, the parts they couldn’t torture out of us – Perhaps, also as a preservative act of some kind.

In a child’s mind that makes perfect sense. We had to be other people because it was made clear the day we were born we weren’t wanted (Or this was our perception of the situation). Our adoption only reinforced the idea (Or perception) that we were so horrible it was ok to drown and torture us for being us. Which we were taught was ugly awful and disgusting. Jennifer Lawrence can’t be kidnapped and held down on a bed. Helen Hunt chasing twisters can’t be raped. Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day” can’t be killed.

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That’s the why. It took 35 years of literal hell on Earth and 5 years in sober recovery to come to this realization.

Our lives are completely and utterly destroyed. Every relationship we have ever had has suffered because of what happened to us. Everyone we have ever loved hates us and  many, if not all, have good reason to. What breaks our hearts is that they hate and despise us for the WRONG reasons. We just wish we had the time they took away from us to repair what was forced onto us.

We are physically maimed for the rest of our lives because of what happened to us. We can’t go out in public because of it, we will never eat properly again, we still have problems going to the bathroom, which everyone takes for granted. Taking showers can still be absolutely frightening. Finding work under these conditions is challenging. Every part of our lives has been infiltrated with trauma that we didn’t ask for.

We are STILL CRYING as we write this. It’s awful. The mental health system only poured gasoline onto this fire and there was no way out for us. We didn’t have a chance but the WHY, even now, holding nothing but ashes means something.

We chose these characters to become because they couldn’t be traumatized and killed.

That’s it.

Stay lovely.


KatySadCry


 

 

 

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